My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Finally!
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?