My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You Might Also Like
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
What if the weather talks about us?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great