My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*