Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Air pods looking like an angry frog
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide