My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Never ghost your hitman.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”