My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I鈥檓 just looking for someone who鈥檚 like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny鈥檚 favorite music is hip hop
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
inventor of murder: I鈥檓 going to make a killing
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly鈥ot bad鈥t should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
wife: i鈥檓 going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I鈥檓 thinking new cabinets
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions