@Jake_the_God: My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
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@joe_binkley: Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@iAmDelFreaky: In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
@chriscr10571: The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"