“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
boat question
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked