Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
yeah not falling for this one
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
They also CAN sing✌️
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!