My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*