If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.