Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”