My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.