My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Breaking news:
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.