@breatheandlove: My mind has been wandering so long, we're pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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@fuqtarded: On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
@KateWhineHall: Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
@Jake_Vig: [visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
@AmishPornStar1: Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?! Me: It was getting freezer-burned. W: I just bought it today! Me: Crazy freezer.