My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
From Facebook just now…
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.