Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The French cow says MEUX…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.