My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.