@hyperblastchic: My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn't recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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@TwoSapphiresBlu: "May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind." -Sir Smirnoff
@Spaziotwat: [First date] Him:"Waiter!" Waiter:"Sir?" Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"
@Coolisiana: (Mayday) PILOT: I didn't go thru 9 years of flight school to crash ME: *relieved* Thank G- P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
@nice_mustard: "i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you're my only hope" "use divorce, luke"