My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
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I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?