My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or