My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
That’s no pocket rocket.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.