@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, "Hold on I can't hear you. I gotta turn on the light." The dark was too loud?
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@markhoppus: Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.
@better_off_dad: 'It's nice & thick...you'll have to suck pretty hard.' - Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
@bornmiserable: Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
@yassinovic89: Women's logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.