My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
when mom throws a party…
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
CRYING
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭