My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work