My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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The only reason I know it鈥檚 February is because the M&M鈥檚 are pink.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
channeling her this year
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I have never related to anyone more.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Whoa 馃槀
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan鈥檚 agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.