My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
john wicks are toilet candles
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way