18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You Might Also Like
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE