My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.