Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“We will wed,” I threatened