Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.