My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell