@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
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@SirEviscerate: BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
@IGotsSmarts: I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
@SatansTongue: (Macbeth and lady Macbeth) "I killed King Duncan" Macbeth wtf!! "You told me to!!" I didn't think you'd do it omg lmao savage
@TotallyAllen: HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, "Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."