@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
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@Eatingyourwords: cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape
@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@Reverend_Scott: Apparently you can't make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don't waste your time.
@mattZillaaaa: [at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"