My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The Onion called it…again.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Not today, today.
Not today.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best