My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
This made me smile…
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.