My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“no gods no masters” = leo
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.