My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.