@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
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@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
@DirtMcTurd: Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
@shutupmikeginn: A fun prank is to search "buy antique dolls" on someone's computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever