@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
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@AlbertBrooks: I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@byrdie_num_num: My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.