@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
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@AdamBroud: Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
@ericonederful: Pastor: pray for your enemies. Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies. Pastor: no! Not like that! Me: too late. I already said amen.
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...
@SteveSuckington: Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints Mints: you have beautiful eyes Me: [blushing] wow they're very complimentary