My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Not helping
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My new favorite headline
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.