ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.