@PondHockeyPro: My mom won't stop calling the turkey baster "the squirter" and I can't keep it together.
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@geowizzacist: (Face painter at kid's birthday party): ...and what shall I paint on your face? Me: Enthusiasm.
@Reverend_Scott: [God creating cats] God: people will wanna hug 'em, but they usually won't want you to
@flashember: [my first day as an art teacher] "before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject" (it's a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
@gojarbe: *spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants "hey what happ--" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL