Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..