My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread