Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.