Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
every. time.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.