My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
crying
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.