absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.