My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
he was correct
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.