Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
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Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Awwwww shit.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack