My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.