@FatherWithTwins: My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.
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@iGreenMonk: Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
@dafloydsta: *tear runs down cheek "Why are all these people dead on the inside?" "Sir, this is a morgue."
@buck4itt: Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I'd hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
@RaynaTheGreat: All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.