You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.