My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week