My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs