her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Self-cleaning conscience
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?