My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You Might Also Like
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Ugh but profoundly
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Y’all ready for this
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*