My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
mumsnet is amazing
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
i think we should see other cousins
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it